Instincts

'Follow your instinct' they say..

What if what you feel is an instinct is not an instinct.. what if.. it's something else altogether.. Or it is merely.. not an instinct.. but a fictional creation of your imaginary mind..

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Remember Remember the 5th of November..

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Of course I remember.. Along with a million memories..

Not the 5th of 2008.. but the 5th of 2007.. when I thought Guy Fawkes was Guy Fox.. same diff.. but oh well.. my 5th of november 2007 probably saw me in A129 after a lecture.. sat facing the window.. and writing to someone who grew to become very dear to me.. Innocently, I wrote about Guy Fox.. later to be corrected to Guy Fawkes.. or perhaps I might have written on the next day..

That night the bunch of us climbed them walls.. Walking the sidelines of the river Ouse.. stopping at the cobblestone chairs.. later to discover our way to fulford and heslington village.. The green knitted jumper, the brown hat..

fast forward 2 years own.. I am older, not quite wiser.. and I woke up to Remember, Remember the 5th of November in my head.. How could I forget.. what I slept and woke up to.. Indeed perhaps I shall remember..

But no Guy Fawkes, some things, perhaps we dont want to remember.. Even if it's for the fireworks..

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1209
5th November 2009

To be or not to be

I laughed out loud! And to think this came from my reading list for the week!

To do is to be (Marx)
To be is to do (Sartre)
Do be do be do (Sinatra)
-Student graffiti

Rojek C.(2001) Celebrity, London: Reaktion Books Ltd

Emotions..

a thousand emotions flutter, mostly unknown.. yet felt..

i guess this heart aint made of stone.. or merely just blood..

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Where am I going?

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Seriously. Not where my foot takes me. Nor where my head is. Or my heart. Where are they all going? Where am I going?

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lectures..

Not quite the nagging kind.. some times, rather amusing.. such as:

"Smoked a lot of dope, downed a lot of acid- a very charismatic man"

Roger Burrows on Sacks..

Better:

"1. you're not going to get 1st class
2. wear a condom"

Introduction by a philosophy lecturer
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Afloat

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Crossroads
Or is it branched?

Driven by the current
I seem to float
But where am I?

A sea, or a river?
Perhaps a lake
Or merely a glass bowl?

If I were a creature of water
What would I be?

I was once a swimmer
I no longer swim
I am not sinking
What is sustaining me?

I am afloat
And that is all that matters
For now..

28th September 2008

subconscious of the conscious..

if my subconscious is really that of my conscious.. then the reality, which seems to be the conscious would indeed be the subconscious, thus making it all.. irrelevant..

29th May 2009
7.30-8 pm..
walking down melrosegate

fiddle with your willy

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"Life is short, fiddle with your willy while you can"

Paperchase card
Westbourne Grove

1st May 2009

Not exactly black nor white

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In the midst of black and white, you will find grey..

1st May 2009

deduced from a floral black and white notebook..

Cucumber

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I had rojak buah today. It had cucumbers. I realised that no one knows I dont like cucumber in my subway sandwich, except you.

12th April 2009

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"mau tengok? boleh.. kasi bayar!"

I am a disabled. I have access to the disabled toilet. But just coz I am a disabled person, orang kurang upaya, it doesnt mean that I cant go out just like others. Yes I hobble about on my crutches and parade my oh so attractive speacial shoe, but really is it such a wonderful sight that people have to stare? First they look at my crutches then to my leg. I suppose they are just trying yo figure out the "disability" I have.. it makes me feel like getting a customised t-shirt with the words "yes, i broke my leg, the right one. now will you please stop staring?"

Chris was with me and he noticed the attention i was getting. To make me feel better he said you know, you should say to em "mau tengok? boleh.. kasi bayar!"..

the following day, my brother, muz said if I were you, I'd stare back at them and say "apa tengok-tengok?"..

My other brother, mems even goes to the extent of saying, "I'll use one of your crutches, you use one. then at least you wont feel so weird alone".. I thought that was quite sweet of him. We joked that we ought to choreograph a crutch dance, then we'd really get the attention.. and perhaps put an empty hat and the coins will start rolling in.. boy, we might even make a fortune!

I suppose due to lack of disabled facilities in this country, those whom are disabled dont go out often. Though I have been warned by faez that it is against the norm for the likes of me to be out much here, unlike in the uk. I have spent 2 months indoors. I will not be confined any further.

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Headphones and footsteps

The wire with its two earpieces were often my companion in motion.. Often accompanied with footsteps.. My very own.. Lately, they keep me company whilst horizontal, minus the footsteps..

How I long for it to be just me and my headphones and my very own footsteps.. Not accompanied with 2 metal rods and another pair if not many more footsteps..

Perhaps this was how it was 2 decades ago..

I dont know who taught and watched as I took my first footsteps.. followed with the many more to come.
I dont know who patiently waited.. With each step I took.. and the numerous pauses in between..

I imagine it couldnt have been much more different. Must have been another head towering me.. Patiently waiting.

I did it before.
I dont know how long it took.

I will do it again.
In due time.
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L'Etoile

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I envision this in the long run. Both our noses buried in reading.. Over cups of coffee.. The silence between us.. With the clatter of cutlery and chatter surrounding us..

Through the glass, you pass off as any stranger..


L'Etoile
1653

Immortalisation of the "good" times

More than images are immortalised.. From a mere "it's easier in the snow", to the series of unfortunate events, through the chronicles.. Thoughts, words, faces, emotions, and memories.. all immortalised.. it also suggests/proves.. love's eternal flame.. though at times, the fire may be flaming yellow, not burning blue.. it still burns.. we tend to forget these things.. perhaps it's because we're mere mortals..

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A deck of cards

No.. A stack of 8 more like it.. Not ordinary cards though.. A special one.. And even more special as each carried a message.. Mummy sure knows me well for bringing them over, in its pretty box..

A special message from the very bottom of my heart was written in each card.. Everyone has been absolutely wonderful.. And I am ever so thankful for that. For everything.

From 8 to zilch.. Each for the nurses on the 6th floor, A&E, fracture clinic, Sue-the lady opposite me, 17 Ainsdale Court, GBF, Lukasz and lastly, the lovely ladies of the plaster room..


THANK YOU.
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Three more to go!

That's 1/10! 9/10 down the lane! or rather, down the bin.. 3 boxes.. 27 pokes down.. and only 3 more to go!!
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Must be a big shoe!

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Yes paps.. it is!

It took me 2 weeks before I could unleash this gorgeous shoe from its zip lock bag.. 2 whole weeks.. 2 fridays.. the wait, felt like eternity.. the excitement was difficult to contain.. the anticipation, finally satisfied..

with a STRANGE, AWKWARD sensation..

The heel, is awkward, with the sloped angle of the heel.. what is this supposed to be? a form of chunky platforms? One would need a 1 1/2 inch -2 inches on the other foot to match that!

My self appointed physio used his physics knowledge in monitoring my attempts of "breaking" into this oh so special shoe.. physics or no physics, it felt weird, and was not easy.. the balance of pressure act.. of shifting weights and supporting.. required a bit of patience, by both therapist and OPK..

the wait, was satisfied. the shoe, finally utilised.

but, I hobble way faster and with more ease and comfort on one foot WITHOUT my oh so very special shoe.

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And the clock keeps ticking...

A week ago, I would still anticipate, or rather, wait patiently. Have gotten used to counting days, with something to look forward to at the end.

Not quite anymore. Or rather, the wait, is killing me. inside. somehow.

If I could have a remote control, I would not hesitate to press the forward button. But then again, I might as well rewind and edit, instead of having to go through this ordeal. But no, I would not have trade this experience, or maybe I would. But which bits would I erase? Hell, why bother. Only a fool believes the past can be changed.

really, IF I could, I would:

FAST FORWARD TIME

but since I cant, plan B is:

FREEZE MY BODY

and wake up when it is time.

I know both my superbly engineered plans are destined to fail.

I DONT HAVE A FUCKING PLAN C.
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Musim berlalu

Empat musim berlalu
Kau di dalam setiap satu
Tanpa ku jangka
Kehadiran mu

Musim kelima
Kian hampir
Ku hanya mampu
Melihat dari dalam..

Harharhar.. My pathetic attempt at stringing malay words.. I actually continued the next para in English! Spring, Summer, Winter and Autumn do not exist in the malay kingdom anyway! Something must've gone up to my head to catalyse the above in the first place.. perhaps the 5000 IU/2ml daiterparin sodium that i injected into my blood stream, making me tad bit woozy now!

Itu lah sahaja
Si gadis darah bercampur
Apakan daya
Bukan melayu tulen!

Didedikasikan kepada syatkos satororinos..

Of Polish and Chinese proverbs

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"What a bitch gives, the dog takes"
-Polish proverb

Aint that true.. only a dog would take from the bitch.. but then again, arent all men dogs? However, as Lukasz says: takes a bitch to provide it..

And boy, revenge is indeed sweet.. I could savour the taste of it all. Damn I wish I was a man.. well, sometimes!

"Desire brings emptiness, emptiness brings desire"
-Chinese proverb

Aptly described as Jit brews a cup of chinese tea for me.. Indeed.. Such is contentment and excitment..

Lukasz Prochownik Jit S'ng Kok

Tweaking her Bum

And the Fleetwood Mac.. said the taxi man..

Them taxi drivers are bril.. Correction, them taxi drivers in York are bril.. Correction, them people in York are bril..

Not many places in the world can you find a lady who would abandon her shop to carry your shopping bags nor a taxi driver who would abandon his taxi to look for you in the building..

taxi man, village grocer lady

Some of the Times

Some times,
I am a poet
Stringing words
Rhyming versus

Some times,
I am a dancer
Swaying my hips
Twirling on my toes

Some times,
I am a thinker
Pondering with questions
Seeking answers

Some times,
I am a philosopher
Albeit
A self-proclaimer

Most times,
I am merely a writer
Penning thoughts
Onto paper

Most times,
I am merely a ranter
On and on
Re anything and everything

27th February 2009
0509

Happy Birthday Abang Eddie!

Where does the 29th of Feb fall then when it is not a leap year? Aging every four years sounds rather ideal, though detrimental to the botox and cosmetic surgery industry.. But acknowledging and celebrating the birth and existence of one only once every four years is a crime!

Happy Birthday Abang Eddie! The fact that your birthday only comes up once every four years only makes you extra special!and even if it isnt a leap year, I still remember..

It is somewhat difficult to describe the man(and woman) above.. Not quite my uncle and aunty.. coz it doesnt really go with the term abang and kakak! Nor are they my brother and sister either.. They are a couple(albeit in their own individual right) who were significant in my childhood and whom I think of fondly now.

They were the only ones who could pacify me in my tantrum days. Even my parents couldnt. That suggests they were quite powerful and to be feared! And from them, I learnt and experienced a lot. Kakak Agnes contributed to turning me into a literate. I clearly remember acing 'bicycle' in one of em spelling tests. Abang Eddie read us bed time stories.. From silly ones such as the Mazda 323 that could fly from tree to tree to bone chilling ones whereby the ones who sleeps in the middle is the ghost's favourite!

I am more well behaved than my tantrum days(or so I'd like to think), can spell words bigger than 'bicycle' and am not easily fooled. Yet, those moments are precious to me and will forever be etched in heart.

Happy Birthday Abang Eddie and I wish you a wonderful year(or is it 3 years??) ahead!

p/s: doesnt Kakak Agnes look gorgeous??
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Grey

When you didnt know,
'twas grey

Little did I know,
why it was so

Now I dont know,
when tis no longer grey

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L-O-V-E-D

Not quite derived from Frank Sinatra.. but rather, from my lil 2 year old cousin.. and coincidentally, from Valentine's Day 2009..

I spent Valentine's Day in the most unexpected of ways. No candle lit dinner, in fact I didnt have an ounce of food for more than 36 hours.. Not that it was my expectation for the day either.. The only thing I wanted to do was to get an outrageously rude card, but never got around to it.

I was unconscious for part of it, semi unconscious for the other.. yet I was surrounded by those that hold me dearest to them. I could vaguely make out the smiles and grins in my drugged state of mind. The voices were soothing though I could barely respond and was sick after. And I was quite aware of the flower, mags, autographed poster, biccies, and a day later: the cold starbucks hot choc. Those who were far away, I knew I was in their hearts too..

One would be surprised the lengths that others would go for another. From foot steps to miles. Or even in their stationary positions.

Prior to this, a year prior to the experience above, I received one of those forwarded text messages from Jib, my hairstylist.. There I was sat in the library, pondering on the big fuss of V day and love.. and brilliantly(or not), I came up with the following:

'Love is created and merely exists in the imagination; but manifests itself in reality.'

14th February 2008

I doubt I am wiser now than a year before. If there is one thing that I do not know/venture/dont want to is in that particular L field. But 8 years down the road, prior to the above date, another form of love was expressed to me, one that linked a genuine friendship. So perhaps, love manifests itself in different forms?

Even if it was or is in my imagination, it exists/existed and manifests/manifested coz i feel/felt it.. And just as how I had replied to Zahra, I love each and everyone of you too..

for 14th February 2009

I love you kak nadiaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Telephone conversation:

Kak ya: Zahra, who's your best friend? (Background voice)
Zahra : My best friend is.. ka ya.. (pause)
I LOVE YOU KAK NADIAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me : burst out in laughter.. I love you too Zahra!!!

Those words couldnt have been uttered more timely, it was said to me on the 14th of February 2009..

I may not be her best friend.. but.. she loves me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

zahra sybilla

30/1/2008 to 31st January 2009

On a page in a book meant for (relevant pertinent) details, the following was scribbled:

Hi Nadia!

1. You probably can guess.
2. Who wrote this.
3. Then call.
4. Want to find out how long it takes you to tell me this.

Yours.

30/1/2008

It took me 366 days. I found the note on the 31st of January 2009.

Red velvet

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"Who needs men. We only need cake!"

Deadly serious. If you sink your teeth and let the taste of farah's scrumptious home made red velvet cake, sandwiched with cream cheese and pecan nuts, topped with more icing, and let the taste linger on your tongue while it slides down your throat..

The two girls with me couldnt agree more..

Cake, good sinful scrumptious cake and girl friends..

gilfwen mek

iPeriod??!!

So.. was plugged to my ipod as I was trying to get some rest whilst being horizontal.. .. sleep wouldnt come so I browsed through the app store.. and believe it or not.. I came across.. ze great 'iPeriod'.. and when I clicked on 'info'.. the words Period Calendar were displayed in a neat bracket.. followed with the following tagline:

"Are you a busy woman? Let iPeriod keep track! A must have for all menstruating women!"

Seriously.. I found it extremely shocking and hilarious.. My immediate thought was 'you have to be joking???!!!!'..

Just last week, in preparation for our seminar, David and I came across the iLimb, a company that makes bionic limbs, and David went on to say how the "i" has been popular culturalised..

Years and years ago.. when some Miss or Mrs, probably from Kotex or Laurier or wherever were invited to give talks in our (all girls) school to increase the awareness of ze period and to prepare us girls for puberty, alongside the sanitary towels that were distributed, we were given these calendars with monthly sections for us to record the dates of 'our time of the month'.. I never bothered, and in fact, I think I disposed them calendars.. Bout the only advice I keep is 'just remember when you first got yours.. even if you cant remember the date or month, remember the year'.. and this advice didnt even come from the useless yearly talks. anyway, the significance is not that it should be particularly memorable.. just for medical reasons more than anything else..

One would think that women do keep track of these things. Not this woman, not me.. I should. Keep telling myself that I should. but I dont. I have tried though. But well consistency in this particular department is not my forte. Fortunately or unfortunately, I get warning signs.. in the form of pain.. pure abnominal torture; and having lived with 2 girls for 2 years, somehow, our 'time of the month' became somewhat synchronised.. eventhough we're now 200+miles apart.. so I get phone reminders too..

So.. iPeriod.. no thank you.. even if you only cost gbp 2.39..

Thomas the Train Engine

Train carriages and railway stations are and will most likely continue to be a prominent feature in my years here in the UK.. I have just come back from the station, and Thomas is the name of the lil kid that amused me on one of the numerous train rides I made down south awhile ago.. I still remember, he had been to Peterborough to meet his grandma in the hospital.. and he told me about lego land.. and his annoying lil brother.. not that he was much of a big brother, for he was just about 4-5 years old himself! He even gave me his address.. his postcode I believe.. unfortunately, I have forgotten..

Thomas is one of the plenty once in a life time encounters I will ever have.. But boy, the roar of the train engine is one that is becoming way to familiar now.. and the feel of the railway station.. The rustic feel of it.. The conductor, the clock.. the cold air.. Way too familiar..

Hmm.. the familiarity of this perhaps suggests I frequent the railway station way too often.. but hey, am not always the passenger on board and the trains I board head in other directions too!

Your voice

This was written on the 28th of November 2008, after a phone call.. a long distance phone call..

Your voice,
Is still the same
With an element of surprise
And a touch of delight

Your words
Are still cheeky
With a lil accent
And style

You
Are far away
Where it snows

Instead of
The warm sunshine
We used to share

O

I am a bird too!

I have a lil dove too.. it's in its nest at the mo.. and soon it'll soar high again! As it rests on my wrists..

sweets

I am the Locksmith

Today, i fastened a key on my chain.. it looks a tad weird, with the pendant I've had on for awhile now..

On the day I turned 21.. I was given a lock, on a ring.. it didnt come in its original trademark turqoise box and ribbon.. instead it is more special as it came with a story.. a lil fairy tale..

I was told to interpret the lock.. and similarly today, I am interpreting the key that accompanied it..


The things I adorn are precious to me.. not for their material value.. but for their significance. The chain that goes around my neck came with a pendant from my mother.. the pendant that falls just after where my collarbones meet, is my sister's, from my eldest sister.. and the half eternity ring I wear is from my parents.. It has 15 little sparkly stones.. Those 15 stones represent something extremely significant..

I interpret my precious possessions. But these interpretations are not for me to share with anyone.. Just as yet.. Not for a long time at least.. And soon one day.. I hope to pass these on, with my own stories attached to them..

k su mams paps k ya k dik a wendy