Chocolate and Cigarettes

Dont know how.. Mysteriously acquired the album in my itunes.. Angus and Julia Stone..

Living on a diet of Chocolates & Cigarettes
I wanna call you again
Ill drink tea sometimes when its cold
This is getting old
I call you again

Still too young to fail, too scared to sail away
But one of these days Ill grow old
And Ill grow brave and Ill go
One of these days

There's one last uneaten thorntons, still neatly tucked in its packet.. And a pack of em cocktails.. Untouched.. A diet indeed perhaps..

10/02/2010

Instincts

'Follow your instinct' they say..

What if what you feel is an instinct is not an instinct.. what if.. it's something else altogether.. Or it is merely.. not an instinct.. but a fictional creation of your imaginary mind..

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Remember Remember the 5th of November..

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Of course I remember.. Along with a million memories..

Not the 5th of 2008.. but the 5th of 2007.. when I thought Guy Fawkes was Guy Fox.. same diff.. but oh well.. my 5th of november 2007 probably saw me in A129 after a lecture.. sat facing the window.. and writing to someone who grew to become very dear to me.. Innocently, I wrote about Guy Fox.. later to be corrected to Guy Fawkes.. or perhaps I might have written on the next day..

That night the bunch of us climbed them walls.. Walking the sidelines of the river Ouse.. stopping at the cobblestone chairs.. later to discover our way to fulford and heslington village.. The green knitted jumper, the brown hat..

fast forward 2 years own.. I am older, not quite wiser.. and I woke up to Remember, Remember the 5th of November in my head.. How could I forget.. what I slept and woke up to.. Indeed perhaps I shall remember..

But no Guy Fawkes, some things, perhaps we dont want to remember.. Even if it's for the fireworks..

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1209
5th November 2009

To be or not to be

I laughed out loud! And to think this came from my reading list for the week!

To do is to be (Marx)
To be is to do (Sartre)
Do be do be do (Sinatra)
-Student graffiti

Rojek C.(2001) Celebrity, London: Reaktion Books Ltd

Emotions..

a thousand emotions flutter, mostly unknown.. yet felt..

i guess this heart aint made of stone.. or merely just blood..

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Where am I going?

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Seriously. Not where my foot takes me. Nor where my head is. Or my heart. Where are they all going? Where am I going?

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lectures..

Not quite the nagging kind.. some times, rather amusing.. such as:

"Smoked a lot of dope, downed a lot of acid- a very charismatic man"

Roger Burrows on Sacks..

Better:

"1. you're not going to get 1st class
2. wear a condom"

Introduction by a philosophy lecturer
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Afloat

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Crossroads
Or is it branched?

Driven by the current
I seem to float
But where am I?

A sea, or a river?
Perhaps a lake
Or merely a glass bowl?

If I were a creature of water
What would I be?

I was once a swimmer
I no longer swim
I am not sinking
What is sustaining me?

I am afloat
And that is all that matters
For now..

28th September 2008

subconscious of the conscious..

if my subconscious is really that of my conscious.. then the reality, which seems to be the conscious would indeed be the subconscious, thus making it all.. irrelevant..

29th May 2009
7.30-8 pm..
walking down melrosegate

fiddle with your willy

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"Life is short, fiddle with your willy while you can"

Paperchase card
Westbourne Grove

1st May 2009

Not exactly black nor white

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In the midst of black and white, you will find grey..

1st May 2009

deduced from a floral black and white notebook..

Cucumber

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I had rojak buah today. It had cucumbers. I realised that no one knows I dont like cucumber in my subway sandwich, except you.

12th April 2009

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"mau tengok? boleh.. kasi bayar!"

I am a disabled. I have access to the disabled toilet. But just coz I am a disabled person, orang kurang upaya, it doesnt mean that I cant go out just like others. Yes I hobble about on my crutches and parade my oh so attractive speacial shoe, but really is it such a wonderful sight that people have to stare? First they look at my crutches then to my leg. I suppose they are just trying yo figure out the "disability" I have.. it makes me feel like getting a customised t-shirt with the words "yes, i broke my leg, the right one. now will you please stop staring?"

Chris was with me and he noticed the attention i was getting. To make me feel better he said you know, you should say to em "mau tengok? boleh.. kasi bayar!"..

the following day, my brother, muz said if I were you, I'd stare back at them and say "apa tengok-tengok?"..

My other brother, mems even goes to the extent of saying, "I'll use one of your crutches, you use one. then at least you wont feel so weird alone".. I thought that was quite sweet of him. We joked that we ought to choreograph a crutch dance, then we'd really get the attention.. and perhaps put an empty hat and the coins will start rolling in.. boy, we might even make a fortune!

I suppose due to lack of disabled facilities in this country, those whom are disabled dont go out often. Though I have been warned by faez that it is against the norm for the likes of me to be out much here, unlike in the uk. I have spent 2 months indoors. I will not be confined any further.

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Headphones and footsteps

The wire with its two earpieces were often my companion in motion.. Often accompanied with footsteps.. My very own.. Lately, they keep me company whilst horizontal, minus the footsteps..

How I long for it to be just me and my headphones and my very own footsteps.. Not accompanied with 2 metal rods and another pair if not many more footsteps..

Perhaps this was how it was 2 decades ago..

I dont know who taught and watched as I took my first footsteps.. followed with the many more to come.
I dont know who patiently waited.. With each step I took.. and the numerous pauses in between..

I imagine it couldnt have been much more different. Must have been another head towering me.. Patiently waiting.

I did it before.
I dont know how long it took.

I will do it again.
In due time.
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L'Etoile

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I envision this in the long run. Both our noses buried in reading.. Over cups of coffee.. The silence between us.. With the clatter of cutlery and chatter surrounding us..

Through the glass, you pass off as any stranger..


L'Etoile
1653

Immortalisation of the "good" times

More than images are immortalised.. From a mere "it's easier in the snow", to the series of unfortunate events, through the chronicles.. Thoughts, words, faces, emotions, and memories.. all immortalised.. it also suggests/proves.. love's eternal flame.. though at times, the fire may be flaming yellow, not burning blue.. it still burns.. we tend to forget these things.. perhaps it's because we're mere mortals..

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A deck of cards

No.. A stack of 8 more like it.. Not ordinary cards though.. A special one.. And even more special as each carried a message.. Mummy sure knows me well for bringing them over, in its pretty box..

A special message from the very bottom of my heart was written in each card.. Everyone has been absolutely wonderful.. And I am ever so thankful for that. For everything.

From 8 to zilch.. Each for the nurses on the 6th floor, A&E, fracture clinic, Sue-the lady opposite me, 17 Ainsdale Court, GBF, Lukasz and lastly, the lovely ladies of the plaster room..


THANK YOU.
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Three more to go!

That's 1/10! 9/10 down the lane! or rather, down the bin.. 3 boxes.. 27 pokes down.. and only 3 more to go!!
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Must be a big shoe!

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Yes paps.. it is!

It took me 2 weeks before I could unleash this gorgeous shoe from its zip lock bag.. 2 whole weeks.. 2 fridays.. the wait, felt like eternity.. the excitement was difficult to contain.. the anticipation, finally satisfied..

with a STRANGE, AWKWARD sensation..

The heel, is awkward, with the sloped angle of the heel.. what is this supposed to be? a form of chunky platforms? One would need a 1 1/2 inch -2 inches on the other foot to match that!

My self appointed physio used his physics knowledge in monitoring my attempts of "breaking" into this oh so special shoe.. physics or no physics, it felt weird, and was not easy.. the balance of pressure act.. of shifting weights and supporting.. required a bit of patience, by both therapist and OPK..

the wait, was satisfied. the shoe, finally utilised.

but, I hobble way faster and with more ease and comfort on one foot WITHOUT my oh so very special shoe.

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And the clock keeps ticking...

A week ago, I would still anticipate, or rather, wait patiently. Have gotten used to counting days, with something to look forward to at the end.

Not quite anymore. Or rather, the wait, is killing me. inside. somehow.

If I could have a remote control, I would not hesitate to press the forward button. But then again, I might as well rewind and edit, instead of having to go through this ordeal. But no, I would not have trade this experience, or maybe I would. But which bits would I erase? Hell, why bother. Only a fool believes the past can be changed.

really, IF I could, I would:

FAST FORWARD TIME

but since I cant, plan B is:

FREEZE MY BODY

and wake up when it is time.

I know both my superbly engineered plans are destined to fail.

I DONT HAVE A FUCKING PLAN C.
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